Enemy – a thing that harms or weakens something else
I sat here for ten minutes and tried to come up with another analogy because I didn’t wanna go here but whatever.
I have stubborn belly fat and it haunts me. I want to get rid of it but I also want to eat tacos and pizza and go to brunch every weekend. (Anyone free this Saturday?) I also have no desire to do the work to get washboard abs so I walk around eating, hiding my nightmare under my clothes.
Now, in my mind, everyone notices my belly fat. EVERYONE. And they say, “look at her lil stomach.” However, I only hear this in my voice.
God forbid I’m feeling myself one day and wear a bodycon dress and actually eat. Nah, fam. That’s it for the day. I’m going home.
Check this out though. My computer is filled with essay after essay, story after story, blog after blog, all being held back from public consumption by yours truly.
I’ve gone over these compositions numerous times and each time I read them, I’m like, “damn girl, you can write yo ass off.” But then I do nothing with it. I’ve been carrying along like this for years.
Why am I my own enemy? Why do I work against myself? Where did I get this from? Who taught me this?
By not crunching and eating grass, I’m denying myself of the flat belly so I wonder whether or not I truly want it. By withholding my writing, I’m lessening the chances of me actually establishing a writing platform so again I question if I truly want it.
Yes, but I stop myself every time. Why though? (All of these whys, I sound like my therapist.)
But as I stop myself I’m only making myself weaker like the definition states.
The more and more I crunch, the stronger my abs will become. As I make the choice to consume healthier food options, the more my palette will lean towards those options. The more I write, the better I will become and the more I share, the more comfortable I will become with writing and sharing.
I have a theory, however. I believe we have become our own worst enemies because that’s what we were taught. It’s been normalized.
The saying itself has become a bit of a cliché. Of course, we’re hard on ourselves. Everyone is. Of course, we’re our own worst critics; everyone is. Because everyone is doing it, that’s what we do.
Even the idea that we’re only in competition with ourselves. I get the gist but maybe we should move away from the idea that it’s a competition. The connotation of the alone holds weight that can bring us down and has us constantly reevaluating the progress that we’ve worked so hard to make. Instead of acknowledging how far we’ve come, we’re still looking at how far we have to go.
But there’s really no destination. That’s an idea as well. I don’t think we arrive. We’re constant works in progress because we’re continuously evolving. You don’t end up anywhere long term because you keep going.
Being my worst enemy and being hard on myself isn’t doing me any good and it clearly doesn’t give me motivation, either. It’s counterproductive in my case. I’m not encouraged to go harder. I’m discouraged. Crazy thing is we hear it all of the time. We gotta shake this off. And maybe it’s not we. It’s could be just me but I am making a commitment to being better, to stop breaking promises to myself and honoring my gift.
Most of the time, you’ll be the only person cheering you on and you can’t do it if part of you wants harm or weaken you. Shake off the doubt and fear and join the right side: your side.
As always, take what you need and leave the rest.
Turn up and put these art pieces out.
Reading and waiting
I’m on my way!!