Friendships are complex because people are complex. Constantly evolving and changing, we leave people behind. We move to different parts of the world. Our values and beliefs shift. Between Never Have I Ever and Insecure, friendship has been in the forefront of my mind. They dynamics, logistics, rules but even more, the breakups. It’s never black and white.
As we can see from both shows, a breakdown in communication separates all the ladies. But after reading The Mothers, I realized breakups aren’t always the result of a missed opportunity but intentional betrayal. What happens then?
What You Think You Would Do
“I’ve never had my heart broken by any man, but I have had my heart broken by my female friends.”Issa Rae
With Insecure and Never Have I Ever, it’s easy to choose a side and analyze the situation objectively. But when you’re in the midst of it, chances are you aren’t as rational as you might believe. You’ve probably projected and taken what you believe to be truth and stood firm in it. You’ve probably also rallied up support from other friends, sinking your heels deeper into what you believe the obvious resolution would be. Or maybe you don’t even care and would rather let bygones be bygones.
As someone who’s been on both sides, I feel you either way. At the end of the day, I’m a strong believer in protecting my mental space and peace. Relationships run their course and people grow apart. Most of the time, you can see it happening. Less calls. A few unanswered texts. The slow disconnect from each other’s lives or just a full out argument.
On the other hand, relationships require effort from both parties. If you feel that it can be repaired, do it. God doesn’t intend for us to be as callous with relationships as society would have us believe. While I’ve let friendships go, I’ve also reconciled and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made. You can’t drop people and keep going. If it’s that easy, the relationship was never real to begin with. Also, if you’re wrong, ask for forgiveness. Acknowledge your role and what you could have or should have done better.
“People may forget what you said or did but they will remember how you made them feel.”
I remember I cried after I got into it with one of my friends. I blamed it on PMS but I spent months mourning that relationship. It couldn’t be repaired and neither of us had any interest in trying. We had reached the end. But that didn’t make it easier. I remember feeling all these things but most of all, I remember missing my friend.
While we’re over here rooting for Molly and Issa to hash it out, that’s easier said than done. Nobody wants to lose a friend. Plus, the older you get, the harder it is to make new ones. I encourage you to nurture your friendships. Take them as seriously as you do romantic ones. Be intentional about spending time together, taking interest in their lives. Be the friend your friend needs you to be.
Also, define what friendship means to you. What do you expect from your friends? What values are important to you? Establish boundaries. Remove expectations. Have open communication. I may take it a little more serious than most but I strongly believe in fierce lady connections. The world is hard enough without me having to deal with the same stuff Molly and Issa are going through. Imagine being in a pandemic and mad at your best friend.
My ministry has and always will be black women. I have a support system that I can tap into and that I do my best to put into as often as I can. As a black woman, it has always been important for me to have a tribe, a community to tap into where I can fully be myself, no holds barred. We have to mince words so we don’t come off as the angry black woman or tone our hair down to be taken seriously. I want to be my full self with my friends. Overall, I do my best to be the best friend I know how to be and I expect the same in return.
Have ever been in a Molly/Issa situation or something similar? What happened?
Also, if you want to read about a true test of friendship, read The Mothers by Brit Bennett.